I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?