I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
see next tweet for some translations
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.