I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
S O O N
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind