Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only bumper sticker ill allow

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?