I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I just love that new Pope smell.