I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
my proudest tweet
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“Why you watching this shit?”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”