Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.