Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig