“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
just witnessed a drug deal
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*