“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Godspeed, John Glenn
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.