Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Reminder:

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out