I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead