Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms