Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

This hospital has everything

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*