I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
