I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Every work meeting this week
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars