I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah