I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question