I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
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*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
i was baptized in a car wash
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?