Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

That’s what I call a flat tire

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*