Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

no one likes gloating

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice