I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles