Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.