I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
groan^2
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*