Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

How many? 🤔

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

as is their right

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.