I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Smile they said.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to