I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry