Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

fair

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids