Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.