Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.