Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

stop

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

Wednesday