Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Single and childfree like Jesus

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night