I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
How is it still this week?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Bed should get ready for ME
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.