I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.