I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go