I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
You Might Also Like
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato