Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

The human personality is made of five key elements

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.