I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee