I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny