@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

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@ramblinma

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

@GrantTanaka

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

@Gupton68

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

@Reverend_Scott

Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.

@eedrk

“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right

@daddydoubts

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

@ThaJawn

*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention

@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.