I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
The game has officially changed 😎
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’m a self-made hundredaire
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator