I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

You Might Also Like


People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic


ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure


bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful


Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.


Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.


“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right


Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.


*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention


So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…


Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.