I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
That earthquake could have been an email.
scrabbled eggs
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My first child will be named New Folder.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station