I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.