I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Cake safety first. Always.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
sry
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”