I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
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Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle