I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
spicy snake
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.