Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Not today. 😅

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

What’s so funny?

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..