I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.