I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me buying fruit and veg
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit