I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
*me flirting
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol