Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Lmao

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!