I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”