I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Monday
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.