Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Yeah. This was me today.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Orange is oranging 🟠