I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic