I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front