I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
You Might Also Like
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
This is so me 😂😂
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please