I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”