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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there