I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
you’re not fooling anyone
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you