Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Facebook memories be like

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

even bears disappoint their mothers

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.