I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
😂😂
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus