I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Breaking news:
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
This bar smells like my childhood.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend