Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

realest tweet ever.

Spider-cat: No One Home

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me