Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.