Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

THIS HEADLINE

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS