I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid