I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks