I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
You Might Also Like
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
It do be feeling this way.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows