Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.