I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
😜
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.