I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what