I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Does beer think about me too?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is