Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe