I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
#titanic
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.