I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Stop sending me this shit.
The first matador
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Some people were born into their job.
this isn’t threatening at all
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical